APPROVED BY CALVIN

THE RULES
of CALVINBALL

An Authoritative Guide by Calvin
(rules subject to revision by Calvin)

Edition 000.000
ATTENTION The rules change every time you load this page. Don't get used to them.
PART ONE

The Rules As They Were Handed Down

Calvin wrote most of these.

  1. EVERYBODY WEARS A MASK. No questions about the masks.
  2. Sing the song before you play. Hobbes does the rumma-tum-tums.
  3. You can't play it the same way twice. except when you do!
  4. The score is Q to 12 and I'm winning. Last game it was Nosebleed to Trousers.
  5. I can declare a new rule whenever I want.
  6. Zones move. The Invisible Sector is right where you're standing.
  7. The flag must be defended at all costs.
  8. Forget the flag. There's a different flag now.
  9. Get tagged with the Calvinball, you have to sing the Very Sorry Song.
  10. Disputes are settled by yelling. Loudest yeller wins.
  11. No duplicators, transmogrifiers, or time machines.
PART TWO

A Framework for Honest Play

I wrote down how to play.

1

Equipment

Volleyball, mallets, wickets, buckets, sacks, water balloons, hobby horse if I can get it.
2

Field of Play

The yard. The hill. Behind the garage. Susie's yard if she's not looking.
3

Teams

Two teams. I'm winning.
4

Turn Order

It's my turn.
5

Scoring

I award the points. Today they're in oogies.
6

Penalties

Pain, embarrassment, or whatever I think up. Worst case is the Pernicious Poem with the bucket of ice water.
7

Zones

The Invisible Sector. The Boomerang Zone. The Opposite Pole, which you declare by not declaring. Vortex spots all over the lawn today.
8

Ending the Game

Game's over when Mom calls me in. Or when Rosalyn shows up and pulls the Baby Sitter Flag.
THE OFFICIAL SONG
The Calvinball Song
Other kids' games are all such a bore! They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! It's never the same! It's always bizarre! rumma-tum-tum, rumma-tum-tum You don't need a team or a referee! You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me! If you wanna have fun, play Calvinball! da da buh dum!
PART THREE

Today's Rules, Calculated Just Now

I just made these up.

RULES IN EFFECT
generated at 0000 milliseconds

TODAY'S SCORING SYSTEM

THE ONE PERMANENT RULE
"You can't play it the same way twice."
— Calvin